What a week! I will have plenty of pictures from my surprise B-day party and the MTV movie awards next week.  For now, grab your suitcase, wallet and bathing suit, because we're off to Vega$, baby!

Let’s start first in a taxi in L.A. Now, getting a taxi there is not like in most cities. In L.A. you don’t hail a cab, you call for one.  This week was no different. 

My taxi driver was from Jordan, which was a first. Coincidentally, it is where I am supposed to be right NOW (I was invited to go by their tourism board), but due to a schedule conflict my brother Frank took my place. It was perfect, because he had plenty of questions to ask a Jordanian.  So I called Frank and put him on speaker.  He kept joking, "I'm going for the jihad.”   That’s not funny, I know, but because of the way he said it the driver and I were in tears from laughing so hard.  Frank will give us a full Johnny Jet-style report as soon as he gets back. 

Most of the time you can learn a lot from your taxi driver, as Frank and I did this week.  It's nice to get insights from a local -- unless you’re in Vegas.  Why?  Those drivers are known to get commissions from the places they recommend.  (In Vegas that’s called “the third-party tip.”) Instead, do your research on JohnnyJet.com . Some of my favorite Vegas-only websites are:  ReviewJournal.com , Vegas.com and the LasVegasAdvisor.com .

Every time I fly into Vegas it's bumpy. At first I thought I just had rotten luck (not the best thing to have in Vegas), but then I learned that the mountains and extreme heat really stir things up.  (I have no idea how – remind me to ask a pilot.)  As if the turbulence wasn't enough, this flight could have been nickname the SARS Express.  I'm normally not too worried about catching SARS, but when half of the passengers on the plane are a tour group connecting from mainland China, I had a legitimate reason to feel uneasy.  I felt like a super freak checking everyone out as they boarded, but they all passed my health inspection.  Otherwise, I would have been outta there. 

But just as they shut the cabin door, a guy in a middle seat decided to move to an open aisle.  You can’t blame him – who hasn’t pulled the same move? -- but he was obviously sick, and the seat he chose just happened to be across the aisle from me.  I wasn't worried about SARS because he was not from the tour group.  Unfortunately, this chump was the rudest man ever.  He would not stop coughing, and had the audacity not to cover his mouth.  I seriously felt like smacking him, but he looked like he had ties to the guys who ran Vegas back in the day.  I had the whole row to myself so I moved to the window; otherwise I would have said something.   I despise people who don't cover their mouth – especially in close quarters like a plane.

Since this guy has me all riled up, let me vent about the Vegas airport luggage system. It's the worst.  My bag took its usual half hour to come out the magical chute.  THIRTY MINUTES!  That's 30 more minutes I could've spent losing money in the casino.  The good news is I was by myself, and not in a hurry.  I wasn't supposed to meet Amber Airplane for a few hours, so I thought I would explore different modes of transportation to “The Strip.”  Although the taxi lines are usually long, they move quickly.  Still, it kills me to pay $10-15 to ride by myself.  Sometimes I ask if anyone else in line is going to the same hotel, but I always feel uncomfortable doing it.  I never know if I’ll wind up sharing a cab with a freak, or else if people will wonder what kind of cheapskate I am for asking.

This time I went out the opposite door from the taxis.   The sign read "Shuttles and Buses.”  There was no line, and the man at information desk said the shuttle left every 10 minutes. It cost $4.  Four dollars?!  That's pretty darn cheap, even for Vegas.  Then I asked the most important question: "Which stop is the MGM Grand ?" He said it was the first.  Sold!  I waited a total of two minutes for the shuttle. It was packed (mostly with Europeans), and took a whopping six minutes to get to the hotel.  You gotta love saving money AND time!  

Hint:  If you take a taxi to a Strip hotel, tell the driver not to go via “the tunnel,” which is the connector between I-15 and the airport (unless you’re headed to the Luxor or Mandalay Bay).  You can save as much as $5.

The last time I stayed at the MGM was probably when they opened, about 10 years ago. I wasn't too fond of them then, but they have made some serious improvements.  I'm now happy to report it was excellent -- except they need new keys.  New keys?  You'll see. 

Did you know the MGM Grand is the largest hotel in the world? It has 5,005 guest rooms, ranging from 675 to 6,040 square feet.  Amber Airplane and I were in one of the 675-square foot ones.  Nothing special, but comfortable.  My biggest problem with it besides the key (you'll see, I promise) is that we heard the people next door.  If you are fortunate to be one of "whales" (a big-time high roller) then you probably stay in their Mansion (29 private villas located in a secluded area next door).  Some of those villass are 12,000 square feet!  That’s a room fit for a whale!  There are no published room rates for the villas, but the regular rooms usually run between $99-$349.  I found mine on JohnnyJet.com for $79 (of course I use my own site – doesn’t everyone?)  Deals are to be found; just shop around. Hey, that rhymes!
 
The MGM is huge, which has its pros and cons.  The best thing is you don't ever need to leave; they have everything you could possibly want.  The worst is that it's almost impossible to find anyone, and the hallways to the rooms are so long you can't even see the end.  I'm not exaggerating.  They have elevators on each end of the halls, but guess where our room was?  Of course: right smack in the middle. Just my luck.  In case you don't believe me, here are the views looking East and looking West from our door.  Can you see the end?  Nope!  Bring your binoculars to see if the maid is coming.  

When I first walked to the room, I was thinking idly how much it would suck if my magnetic key didn't work.  Well, of course I jinxed myself.  The key indeed did not work, so I trudged all the way back down with my bag to get a new one.  After standing in line for 10 minutes the lady at the counter said, "I'm sorry, would you like some of these cool limited-time Diva keys as a souvenir for your inconvenience?”  Since we were in Vegas for the Diva show and party, I said "Sure!”  You know I never turn down anything free.  Of course, you’re probably thinking the same thing I thought a minute too late:  “What the heck am I going to do with these keys?” 

I walked back to the room pretty quickly, because I had to go use the little cowboy’s room.  I reached in my pocket to grab my key, and guess what I pulled out?  That's right: all 30 of the free ones.  I’m not kidding:  I had 30 keys, and no idea which was which.  I figured the good one must be on one of the ends, so I tried those first.  Red light both times.  Then I went through every single key like a madman, until I realized I couldn't be that dumb.  I checked my other pockets, and indeed I had been smart enough to put the original key separately.  But by that time I was stupid enough to throw off the code by trying so many different keys. That hallway seemed getting longer and longer.  I could actually see it growing.  Aaargh!  BTW: Did I mention that as I fumbled with all 30 keys the people next door came home and looked at me like I was a burglar?

Instead of walking all the way back down I asked a nearby maid if she could let me in. "Oh no, you need to call security," she said. "How about for $20? "Oh no, I’ll get fired!" To amuse myself on the way back down, I counted the steps from my room to the elevator (184).   The same lady at the front desk apologized, and gave me a new key.   But guess what?  It happened again!   The freakin’ key absolutely would not work.  I kicked the door out of frustration, then looked down at the endless hallway and wanted to cry.  At that moment I thought for sure I was on “Candid Camera.”  

My unfriendly neighbors heard the loud bang and popped their little heads out of the door.  They looked at me like I was a Martian, so I looked back at them like I was Charles Manson.  They quickly shut their door, and turned the deadbolt.  I walked halfway down the l-o-n-g hall, picked up the phone and called security. I said there was a  problem, and I would not be walking another 184 steps to the elevator, then 153 more to the front desk to wait in some long line to get my darn key that won't open my door. Fifteen minutes later the security guy strolled up and said, “You’re at the wrong door.” Hah!  Just kidding – I’m not THAT dumb.  What he DID do was solve the problem, and that leads to my Tip of the Week (if not the Century):  “When you have a magnetic key do NOT put it near your credit cards, ATM card or cell phone.”  I already knew all that – well, not the cell phone part – but here is the “key” (haha):  All of those devices can interfere with the room key.

Alright, enough about the stupid keys.  Let's talk about the good stuff.  As I mentioned before I was in Vega$ to accompany  Amber Airplane to the VH1 Diva party.  I didn't see the show, but I did go to the after party out by the pool.  It was pretty amazing, because they had a huge gigantic TV replaying the show.  What’s so incredible about that?  Well, the show wasn't displayed on a screen; it was on WATER.  Don't ask me how they did that, but it was way cool.  The very best part was really the dessert table.  The worst part was when Bobby Brown walked by with his entourage and grabbed Amber's butt.  (He might have had “a few too many,” if you catch my drift.)  I would've decked him -- but she told me too late after it happened.  It was a typical Hollywood party, where you can’t carry on a decent conversation because the whole time everyone is looking over your shoulder to see what star is walking in next.  It's fun, but it gets old real fast.
 
We did more than just go to the Diva party.  We had three nights in Vegas, and spent most of the time in our hotel (where else can you say that and not sound lame?).  We gambled of course, but we also checked out the free lion habitat at the MGM.  It's open from 11 a.m.-11 p.m.  (It closes because the lions go home for the night -- they live on a ranch 12 miles away.)  What's especially cool is that guests can be encircled by lions at any time via a see-through, walkway tunnel that runs through the Habitat, allowing lions to prowl above and below.  Our favorite part of the hotel, though, was a visit to the pool (keep reading).

We did make our way out one night, and walked around the Strip.  We went to the Aladdin Hotel, because Amber needed to buy something at Sephora.  The Aladdin has an amazing mall, which was surprisingly empty.  I was shocked to see an ABC Store (I thought they were only in Hawaii).  It was a little disappointed to see them on the mainland, but on the other hand it was pretty cool to buy a 69-cent Guava Juice that I usually have only in Hawaii.  We had dinner in the Bellagio, and went the Coyote Ugly bar in New York New York.  We were looking for our friends, but they were at the Coyote Cafe in the MGM.  Confusing, I know.  The good news is we discovered the most unbelievable pineapple salsa around.  Mmmmmm -- was it tasty!  (Sorry, no photos – we ate it all up.)

As I mentioned earlier, our favorite part of the MGM is the pool.  We happened to be there when the temperature started to heat up.  It was the first time it hit 100 degrees in 2003 which it was almost all the time (well, two out of the three days we were there).  When it's that hot, there's only one place to be: in one of the MGM's five pools.  It's a big party out there, and the live band only adds to the fun.  The coolest pool is the gentle flowing river. It is 1,000 feet long, and is the city’s longest ride of its kind.  Almost everyone rents the tubes – and not by the hour or half-day.  It's $14.95, period.   I know it's a racket, but believe me it's well worth it.   You sit on these babies and cruise around the pool, bumping into other people and going through sprinklers and water falls . It takes about 10 minutes to do a lap, and suddenly 100 degrees doesn’t seem so hot.  It was so refreshing that Amber Airplane got goose bumps.  

MGM Grand Hotel and Casino Tel. (800) 929-1111, Front Desk: Tel. (702) 891-1111.

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