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July 28, 2004
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Sawadee (hello) from Thailand! (Or, as the locals say hello in English, "Halow." We left off last week after my first night in the land once called Siam. This week we finish our visit to Bangkok after enjoying the cityís major attractions, feasting at some tasty restaurants, and taking rides on some unusual transportation. Then we get ready for next weekís adventure, in another Asian country. (An easy clue is at the end.)

After hanging out by the pool I went back to my room and checked my email. I was surprised to see an e-newsletter with the subject line "In Bangkok". It was from Andy The Hobo Traveler, who I know only by email. I read his newsletter each week, at HoboTraveler.com. His motto is "Life is good," and he travels 365 days a year. He goes all over the world (including crazy destinations like Iraq), and has been doing it for years. Whatís even more remarkable is that he spends less than $15 a day (including hotels).

Since Andy travels so much in foreign countries, his English is starting to deteriorate a bit. (Who am I to judge? I got a "D" in high school English). Yet even with Andyís misspelled words his journals are fun to read, and his pictures are interesting. (Note: Andy never takes pictures of himself, so the one I have of him is an exclusive).

After emailing Andy I got a reply within minutes, with a place and time to meet. He was staying near Kao Sarn Road, a popular street in Bangkok for backpackers. My concierge said it was 20 minutes away, and a taxi would cost about 40 baht ($1). I said "Thatís it?" He smiled and said, "This is Thailand, Johnny." Then he gave me a piece of paper with our hotel address written in English and Thai, and said, "This is so you can get home safely."

Although many Thais (especially in the tourism industry) speak at least rudimentary English, most taxi drivers donít. Thatís because the drivers are mostly immigrants from rural areas, primarily from northeast Thailand (Isan). On top of that they often don't know Bangkok very well, so itís good to have a major landmark, popular destination or piece of paper with directions in Thai like I had.

The doorman put me in a cab, and told the driver in Thai where to take me. (The service in Asia is truly amazing. At nice hotels you never have to open a door or wait for anything.) The doorman informed me that he told the driver to use the meter -- itís a lot cheaper when they turn it on. But as soon as we pulled out the drive the driver turned it off and said "200 baht." I said, "Youíre crazy!" He said "traffic." I said, "40 baht"; he said, "200." I almost felt like I was getting robbed (even though it was only $5). I said "see ya," jumped out and told the doorman what just transpired. Thee doorman mumbled something like "those bastards" in Thai, and put me in another cab.

It was like "Groundhog Day." The same thing happened, except this time I was ready for it. I didnít have a lot of time, so I bargained with him. When I got him down to 100 baht I accepted. I guess you canít really blame these guys because theyíre working for peanuts, but their tactics definitely need polishing. (FYI: 80 percent of the time the taxi drivers refused to use the meter, so I had to bargain with them.)

I met Andy the Hobo at the restaurant in his hotel, and had a drink with him and his buddy Francis. Francis is a 19-year-old from Canada, and like Andy is always on the move, living cheap. These guys werenít traveling together; it was just a coincidence they were in Bangkok at the same time. They originally met a few weeks back in Mongolia (see what I am talking about: crazy destinations). BTW: In case you are interested in seeing Andy the Hoboís journal entry and pictures from Bangkok, they are linked below. There is also a bunch of helpful Bangkok links and recommendations for Thailand guide books that can be purchased through Amazon.com.

We chatted about the different countries they have been to, and their experiences. It amazed me they could travel for so long, and so cheap. I had so many questions, I felt like Matt Lauer. When I asked how many clothes they bring, Andy laughed and said, "Well, Francis here travels real light -- just one pair of underwear." My jaw dropped. I hoped they didnít ask me how many pairs I brought (I had 10 for the 10 days I was traveling). Hey, you canít be too careful.

I always learn something new from travelers, and these guys taught me a lot. One thing that sticks out was their advice on adapting to your surroundings. They said not to ask too many questions: know when to play dumb, and when to be confident.

After our inexpensive drinks (I had a huge bottle of water for only 40 cents), we walked around Kao Sarn Road. The place was filled with young backpackers, mostly from the U.S., Australia, Europe and Israel. The street had all kinds of stores, restaurants and bars, and street vendors selling everything from food to jewelry.

Andy took us off the beaten path. We walked all around, through hidden indoor and outdoor shopping centers. We even cut through a Thai kick boxing gym. The fighters who were practicing didnít look too happy, and I thought for sure they would break out a can of whoop-ass.

Andy took me by one of the travel agencies he uses. There I learned that fares from Bangkok are probably the cheapest in the world. They have all kinds of incredible deals to everywhere. I couldíve flown to Italy one way for $250 Ė how nice would that be?! If you want to travel around Asia or the world for cheap, buy a ticket to Bangkok and go from there.

Across from the travel agency was a massage place with a couple of pretty ladies encouraging us to get a Thai massage. It was very tempting, because a one-hour massage was just 150 baht. Thatís only $3.65, but I wasnít sure what kind a massage I would get. (Thailand is famous for its massage parlors where "happy endings" or a little "boom boom" is customary.) I donít think this was one of those parlors, but I wasnít going to take a chance. I later learned that visitors can differentiate between the two, because a shady place is usually called a "massage parlor" that caters to men. The respectable place will have a sign that specifically states the massage is traditional. It might even say the place is hanky-panky-free. A bit of advice: Donít ask a taxi driver where to go or let them talk you into a side trip (massage parlors for men and shopping trips for women).

FYI: A good traditional Thai massage is amazing. It goes from head to toe. The masseuse will stretch each muscle, then loosen them up and get all the energy flowing. Supposedly you need two hours to experience the full benefits, but some places offer one-hour massages.

We walked from Kao Sarn Road to the Grand Palace. It wasnít far, but it felt like forever because we walked in circles and it was HOT! Unfortunately I was wearing long pants, because the Grand Palace (Bangkokís most popular attraction) is sacred royal ground, with a strict dress code. Visitors are not allowed in without pants. (According to their website, men or women cannot wear "shorts, mini-skirts, short skirts, tight fitting trousers or outer garments, see-through shirts or blouses, sleeveless shirts, vests, sandals (without ankle or heel straps), sweat shirts, sweat pants, pajamas or fisherman trousers." (Why somebody would wear those, I don't know).

If you donít have pants, no sweat (pun definitely not intended -- you will sweat like a pig). Visitors can "borrow" a pair with a refundable deposit of 100 baht ($2.50). I say borrow because Andy the Hobo Traveler liked his pants so much he "forgot" to return them. What a character he isÖ but he had a good point. When traveling around Asia, where else can you find a pair of pants that cheap, and that fit a tall American?

After waiting for Andy and everyone else to get their pants (most visitors donít know to wear them), we walked down the long rock driveway. The palace was off in the distance, and it was difficult not to get excited. The place looked amazing. At the entrance we paid the 200 baht ($5) ticket fee, which is good for three places. The yellow part is for the Grand Palace (valid only on the day of purchase). The white ticket is for The Royal Thai Decoration and Coin Pavilion, on the right hand side before the entrance to the temple. The blue part, valid for 30 days, is for the Vimanmek Mansion Museum. This is the world's largest golden teakwood mansion, located at Suan Phuttan Garden on Ratchawithi Road in the Dusit District of Bangkok. It can be reached by bus number 70, departing from outside the Grand Palace, or by taxi.

The Grand Palace is indeed grand! It covers 716,500 square feet, and is surrounded by four long walls (6,234 feet). The place has so many ornate buildings, statues and perfectly manicured grounds that I have never seen anything like it before. It was incredible. This is what I always pictured Thailand to be like. The palace was greatly influenced by Western architecture, including colonial and Victorian motifs.

The Grand Palace was built in 1782, when King Rama I took over the throne. The first thing he did was move the capital for defensive reasons from Thonburi to the west bank of the Chao Phraya River. The palace was built not only as his residence, but with offices for the various ministries (only one remains in the palace walls today). Thatís why they call it the Grand Palace.

The most popular building inside the complex is the Chapel Royal of the Emerald Buddha, called Wat Phra Kaeo. It has all the architectural features of a monastery, but without a residential quarter (thatís why no monks live there). The "Emerald Buddha," carved from a block of jade, is the most revered Buddha image in Thailand. Crowds come from all over come to pay respect to the memory of the Buddha and his teachings.

There is so much to see and learn that if I wrote about everything it would take all day. There is nothing better than coming here and seeing it for yourself in person. However, if you canít then check out this link to learn all about these points of interest inside the complex: The Upper Terrace, Subsidiary Buildings, The Galleries, Phra Maha Monthian, Chakri Maha Prasat Hall, Dusit Maha Prasat Hall, Phra Ratcha Banlang Pradap Muk , Borom Phiman Mansion, Phra Asada Maha Chedi, Amarin Winitchai Hall, Wat Phra Keo Museum. A cool tidbit: Anna from The King and I lived here.

The Grand Palace is open every day from 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (tickets sold until 3:30). As with most tourist destinations, itís always smart to arrive early (before the tour buses). But even with the crowds the palace is one of the most amazing places I have ever seen. Donít miss it! The Royal Grand Palace The Grand Palace, Bangkok, Thailand; tel.: 02-623-5500 Ext. 1124.

After touring the Grand Palace, Andy and I decided not to walk back to his hotel. We had several choices for getting back: a taxi, bus, motorcycle or my personal favorite, a tuk-tuk. Bangkok also has a SkyTrain and a brand new subway, but they were not close.

A motorcycle taxi was definitely out of the question for me. Drivers can be found on almost every street corner, usually just hanging out with their colored vests playing checkers while waiting for customers. These drivers are insane -- they think they are Evel Knievel! The motorcycles can get to their destinations quicker than any other way because they zip through all the traffic, but I wasnít in a hurry (or willing to risk my life). According to the U.S. State Department, "In 2003, eight Americans were killed in traffic accidents in Thailand. Seven of them were riding on motorcycles." However, if you are up for the adventure they charge between 5B (US 11 cents) for a few blocks, to 60B (US $1.30) for greater distances.

Andy and I opted for one of Bangkokís famous tuk-tuks. They are small, three-wheeled open-sided vehicles that are noisy, smoky and fun. Most of these drivers are crazy too, but they are much safer than their motorcycle counterparts. Finding a tuk-tuk is not a problem -- but finding a driver who wonít overcharge you is. There are no meters, so fares are negotiated. Prices are supposed to range between 40B ($1) for short trips and 150B ($3.65) for longer ones. (If you are with a local you pay less. Like everything else in Bangkok, tourists always pay more.) I love seeing tuk-tuks at night, because most drivers decorate them with bright, colorful flashing lights and ornaments. They look so cool!

After our tuk-tuk driver dropped us at Andyís hotel, I found a regular taxi to take me to mine. Tuk-tuks are not good for long trips or during rush hour (I would have sucked up exhaust fumes).

Since we are talking about transportation: If you have extra cash, the best way to get around is by hired car (arranged through your hotel). They are high-end (like Volvos, Mercedeses and BMWs), and all the drivers speak English. Prices are quite reasonable too: between 250B ($6) for almost any single trip, or by the hour for about 500B ($12, three-hour minimum). The day rate ranges from 2,000B ($50) to 3,000B ($75).

That night I went out with an old college friend, also named Andy. Okay; his real name is not Andy, but because his Thai name would be too difficult for Americans to pronounce he called himself Andy when he arrived in the U.S. I hadnít seen this Andy in 10 years. It was great catching up with him, and having a local whoís dialed in to Bangkok night life show me around. Thai Andy is actually a Thai-born Indian, so he doesnít look Thai. After he picked me up at my hotel we cruised through the busy streets to the other side of town. We met up with a couple of his colleagues at a restaurant called Ana Garden Bar and Grill.

The restaurant was not fancy. But the food was really, and it had a cool tropical rainforest atmosphere. We dined outside underneath the trees. The place was not expensive, either. In fact, I canít believe how cheap the food is everywhere in Thailand. We feasted on all kinds of traditional Thai and European cuisines, from minced chicken and Thai beef salad to hot dogs with hot peppers and pork loin. Every dish was spicy, so we ate plenty of rice to cool our mouths down. Ana Garden Bar and Grill, Soi Thonglor 3, Sukhumvit Soi 55, Bangkok.

Andy parked across the street. Did you know that trying to cross a Bangkok street should be an Olympic sport? Cars, tuk tuks, motorcycles and buses all whip around. Because they drive on the left, the challenge is even greater for an American. The best way to cross the road is to follow a Thai person. They seem to know instinctively when to jump out. If it wasnít for Thai Andy, I would still be standing on the corner.

Afterwards we went out to a couple of Thai places. One was a real nice, upscale restaurant/bar called Bombay. The other was Liberty Place, a club with a Thai band. The place was filled with locals too -- we were the only nonThais there. Thai Andy ordered a bottle of Jack Daniels for the table, and all the mixers. In the U.S. that wouldíve cost $200; in Bangkok it was 1,000 baht ($25). Now thatís a place that wonít break you!

A funny thing happened to me when I used the restroom. Most nice places have bathroom attendants who hand you a towel to dry your hands. As I stood in front of the urinal I heard a crazy popping noise, and some dude grunting. It was the bathroom attendant massaging a customerís back and head. It wasnít a gay thing; itís just what attendants in Thailand do. When I saw him going down the line of urinals I tried to hurry up and concentrate. When the attendant came to me I must have looked like a deer in headlights. I just shook my head "no." He mustíve thought I was a freak. Liberty Place, Sukhumvit Soi 55.

The next day I was going to visit the floating market at Damnoen Saduak, 48 miles outside of Bangkok. Food vendors sell goods from small boats. Itís supposed to be a really cool experience. The only problem is that you have to get up early (tours leave hotels around 7 a.m., and donít return until early afternoon) I decided not to go because I had been out late, and wanted to relax. Besides, I didnít want to miss my favorite breakfast buffet. Instead I hung out by the pool, went to the mall across the way and bought all kinds of souvenirs (floating candles, hand crafted chopsticks, silk ties, bagsÖ). For cheap, of course.

In the mall I passed a sign that said "One-hour Traditional Thai massage or Reflexology for 350 baht" ($8.50). I thought dang, thatís cheap -- I might as well check it out instead of paying quadruple that at my hotel. I took the escalator up a floor and walked by the place. It was busy, and did not look shady. I figured it was safe. No one spoke English, so I pointed to my feet. That did the trick. I sat in a lounge chair next to a Chinese guy getting his feet massaged. A lady brought me hot tea, and a plastic tub to soak my feet. Of course my feet were too big for the bowl. I know the woman made a funny comment about it when she said something in Thai to her pretty colleague. I laughed and pretended I knew Thai. They both looked up at me with stunned faces Ė and were quiet the rest of the time. I just smiled.

The Chinese guy getting a massage next to was almost finished. They made him sit up, and then gave him a little bonus Traditional Thai massage. They pounded his back and rubbed his neck. The guy looked like he was real ill. His eyes were beet red, and every time they hit his back he coughed all over the place without covering his mouth. I thought, I gotta get out of here before I get SARS! I started to stand up to call the whole thing off, and almost fell. I couldnít feel my legs, and thought SARS was already kicking in. I pointed to my legs with fear and asked, "What happened to them?" The lady rubbing them looked up at me like she had done something wrong. Then I saw the huge jar of Tiger Balm.

I couldnít go anywhere, so I sat back down and gave the Chinese guy the biggest stank eye in history. It worked. I lay back, but I couldnít relax. When it was my turn for the mini-Thai massage, instead of turning me around the masseuse led me into a room, closed the curtain and took off. I started to wonder what was going on. Would she call in the hanky-panky ladies? I got anxious again, but she returned. She tried to get me to lie down on my stomach, so she could rub my back. Just before my head hit the pillow I saw strands of black hair and dandruff on it. I sprang back up, shook my head "hell no!", put on my shoes, paid and ran out the door. Moon Lita, Amarin 3rd floor; tel.: 0 2684 1060.

That night (after a long shower) I went back out with Thai Andy and a few of his Thai friends, along with their friends who were visiting from Michigan. We hit a restaurant called Naj, which serves incredible authentic Thai food in a brand new, hip and upscale place. The first floor was decorated like a living room. There was jazz music, and we could see the wine cellar below through the glass floorboards. We ate at the top level, in a very chic, Thai-designed room. Naj; Soi Convent.

After dinner we walked to Pat Pong, one of Bangkok's famous street markets. This is also called the night market, because it is a business district by day but as soon as the sun goes down it gets crazy. You can find everything -- and I mean everything. There is knockoff designer wear -- we went into a store that looked like Ralph Lauren, but they were selling designer Prada, Louis Vuitton and Hermes purses for a tenth of the price. The girls we were with said they were identical (including the stamps) to the real thing. Note: When shopping at markets, make sure to bargain. Vendors always up sell, so offer at least 50 percent off. Be prepared to walk away... but if they meet your price, you should buy it. They met your requirements, and it is considered an insult if you donít buy.

There were also plenty of bootleg music and DVD stands, with movies that were still in the theatres. There were also plenty of bars/discos and crazy sex clubs, with women or transsexuals doing all kinds of stuff (so I hear).

After buying all kinds of gifts we went to the 70ís Bar on Sarasin Road. This place was also filled with Thais, all of whom seemed to be having a great time. Everyone was dancing (including me). The DJ played the best music -- and despite the name, it wasnít from the Ď70s.

The next day was my last. Before I left I went to Central Chidlom, one of Thailandís largest department store chains. It was just down the street from my hotel. It felt identical to an American department store. If someone miraculously dropped me off there I would have guessed I was in Chicago, because on the 7th floor was an exact replica of one of my favorite places for lunch: Food Life. They not only stole that concept, but the restaurant was called Food Loft! Just like the one in Chicago, there were different types of food stations and the same method of paying at the end. The only difference was that this was much cheaper than Food Life. Central Chidlom, 1027 Plonchit Road, Bangkok.

It was time to head to the airport, so I walked back to my hotel and checked out. The doorman hailed me a cab and asked the driver how much. He said "400 baht." When I got in the taxi I asked the driver again how much and he repeated 400 baht. I still wasnít convinced, so when we pulled out of the driveway I asked again. When he said 400 baht I said "no, 500 baht!" He looked at me perplexed and angry, as if I was saying 300 baht. As he started shaking his head no he realized I was just giving him a good tip. He gave me one of those friendly Thai smiles and a "wai" for thank you. I said, "Thank you to you and to your beautiful country for teaching me so much about traveling, myself, and all the wonderful experiences I will never forget."

Next week I will tell you all about my last destination in Asia. Here are two clues: itís 897 miles away and, itís against the law to eat or drink on the subway.

Happy Travels,

Johnny Jet
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*Please tell us what you think of this week's newsletter!

  • Bangkok Intercontinental
  • Thai Air
  • Frommers Bangkok
  • Lonely Planetís Thailand
  • Thailand History
  • Tourism Thailand
  • Bangkok Tourist Bureau
  • Royal Thai Embassy, 1024 Wisconsin Avenue, N.W., Washington, D.C., 20007, telephone (202) 944-3600, or Internet website
  • Consular Sheets
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  • Ministry of Foreign Affairs
  • Bangkok Post
  • The Nation Newspaper
  • Here are the links from Andy The Hoboís journal entry and pictures 1, 2, 3.

  • Frommer's Thailand ($15.39)
  • Lonely Planet Thailand ($17.67)
  • Dk Eyewitness Travel Guides Thailand ($17)
  • Lonely Planet Thailand's Islands & Beaches ($13.99)
  • Travelers' Tales Thailand: True Stories ($13.27)
  • Let's Go 2003: Thailand ($13.29)
  • Fodor's Thailand: The Guide for All Budgets, Where to Stay, Eat, and Explore on and Off the Beaten Path ($12.57)
  • Lonely Planet Thailand, Vietnam, Laos & Cambodia Road Atlas (Travel Atlases) ($10.49)
  • What the heck -- Iím plugging everyone else, so I might as well throw my own book in too: You Are Here Traveling with JohnnyJet.com by Eric Leebow, John E. Discala
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    • Great write up as always and thanks for the good publicity. I really loved the pictures and it seems like you had a very good time - you tell a good story. Since I work for InterContinental Hotels Group I forwarded your newsletter to the VP of the Intercontinental brand. Ken
    • I cant wait to read your newsletter every week! I am in Travel Management and I love passing on your super tips to all of my clients! Thanks Johnny! xo Tanya - Calgary
    • I like very well your internet site, the best "for me of course" - Johnny V - Luttre, Belgium
    • Last year I wrote to you in the summer 'cause I was on bed rest waiting for our little stinker baby to arrive. My only link to the exciting outside world and my former fun travel life was Johnny Jet! George the Baby is about to take his THIRD plane trip before his first birthday, 'cause reading about your travels made me so jealous that we saddled him up in his car seat, and off we went to the airport to fly the friendly skies. George is a fearless (okay, clueless) traveler. Watch out if you see a chubby brunette, a skinny balding guy, and a screaming baby on your next flight, and blame yourself for making travel too enticing to pass up. And thanks for keeping us going. Warm regards--Vicki R in Columbus, Ohio.
    • Hey, did you ever think of incorporating reports in a section of your newsletter from other intrepid travelers? I'm off to Greenville, TX on Sunday... just think of the exciting things people like me would have to report back! When I'm not working, I'm really hoping to visit the American Cotton and Audie Murphy Museums! LOL! No, I'm not necessarily kidding, but unfortunately, I'll be on biz, so that has to take precedence... but you never know... Nicole S - New York, NY REPLY: WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOUR (AND OUR READERS) REPORTS, TIPS, AND OPINIONS.
    • In reference to your drug WEB site. I do not think itís a good idea to promote purchasing drugs in Canada which have not been verified as safe by the United States. In addition, it's not productive in the long run to support a country such as Canada which has often expressed un-American ideals. Ken E. - Washington
    • Now that you are in Thailand, I have a website that you should check out: faraway.co.th . This website concerns mainly hotel accommodations on the island of Ko Samui, but it also has an extensive general information section, as well as an activities & photo section. And in case you're wondering, the answer is NO, I don't have anything to do with the website! Sincerely, Tom W
    • Size 13!! ....well you know what they say about men and their shoe size...*cheesy grins* ~Carolyn - San Francisco
    • I loved your latest newsletter by the way, very humorous and charming. Not enough pictures of food though ;) Lo - Los Angeles
    • I loved your Bangkok story. Makes me want to go there. Also, very good to get info on cell phone. We just traveled to St.Kitts and I wish I had known about your cell phone before I left. MABarnett - Grosse Pointe Park, MI
    • Great story about thailand...I went there 4x for reserve duty (annual cobra gold military exercise when 5000 American military flood the country in may)....I think you should point out to travelers to have a travel book with them as the signs are in THAI and can be intimidating at first sight semper fi. Jack - Newport
    • Man, you kill me with all the pictures of that food. I'm a hopeless food-head. Aaron - Boston
    • I just opened your newsletter and had flashback of my dream last night ... you and I were married. Funny, huh? Sheila - Sydney
    • I am so impressed with your tribute to your mother! I'm a mother myself with three grown children and my husband (their dad) is doing poorly as he has diabetes and Alzheimer's. I was born in Germany and we've been back a few times. It was his desire to travel again, and we thought we might go on a pilgrimage to Ireland where his family originated and to Croatia where my dad was born. Reading about your travels with your mother while she was ill renewed my hope that we might be able to do it. So, thanks, for including that section on your site. It really made my day! Happy trails to you! Katherine L
    • Find and book your hotel anywhere in Hungary by using our local reservation system, one of the the largest Hungarian lodging directories. HotelHungary.com

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    TGV the French High speed train

    Geography Lesson

    You live in Arizona when...
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
    3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
    5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
    6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
    7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
    10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

    You Live in California when...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
    3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

    You Live in New York City when...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2... You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
    3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
    5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    6. You've worn out a car horn.
    7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You Live in Maine when...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You Live in the Deep South when...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
    3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
    4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
    5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

    You live in Colorado when...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You live in the Midwest when...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

    You live in Florida when....
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

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