Johnny Jet

Hello again! Before you start reading, though, check this out: I snagged more bootleg pictures from my cousin AJ's wedding (thanks to my cousin Nina).

Okay, back to business. About a month ago Amber Airplane told me we had to go to South Dakota to visit her grandparents. Cool, I thought! We would pop in for a long weekend, spend some time with her relatives, check out the sights and take off. Well, she had a different idea. We had to go for nine – nine! -- days because she has two sets of grandparents, and of course they live on opposite sides of the state. When I gave her one of those NINE DAYS? TO SOUTH DAKOTA? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? looks, she freaked. She said, “After all the time I spend with your family...” blah blah blah. I know all you females out there are saying, “You go, girl.” As it happens, it took me all of one nanosecond to realize she was right.

Besides, I like her grandparents. And of course it would be a great opportunity to check out parts of South Dakota I had never seen. All I wanted was for my cell phone to work -- and that there was high-speed internet access. For me, being without high speed for nine days would be like Marsha Brady without her brush.

We had traveled nonstop this summer (actually, this year), especially in July. We came home once a week just to catch up on laundry, bills and whatever – but never more than 36 hours. When you are home for that little time you don't get much sleep, so we were a bit cranky. Amber Airplane and I are both eight-hours-of-sleep people.

After a silly argument about Amber Airplane being late for the taxi (partly my fault -- I should know by now she's always late), we took the first flight to Denver. We then hopped a regional jet to Sioux Falls, SD, in the eastern half of the state (Map courtesy of MyTripJournal.com. Travel websites from $19. Free demo.). The flight was only an hour, but Amber Airplane passed out. I have never seen her sleep like this, so I had to shake her to make sure she was still breathing.

FSD (airport code for Sioux Falls) is a tiny little place. I love small airports, because the bags usually come out so quickly. Ours did, and I lugged Amber Airplane’s trunk to the curb where we were to be picked up by her sister, Erica, along with Erica’s husband Jimmy, their 19-month-old baby Chloe, and Amber Airplane’s little brother, Casey.

I admit, it was awful nice of Jimmy to rent a big o’ minivan for all of us. But after you hear this story, you’ll understand why next year I’m renting my own car. Screaming babies don't bother me, and to be honest I don't think Chloe screamed once. My problem was with Jimmy. He's a crazy driver. You know: one of those dudes who can't pay attention. He fiddled with the stereo, searched for CDs, and turned around to make smiley faces at the baby. He’s also got a lead foot. Jimmy can fly faster than the planes I ride in.

Most of the time he went 90. Granted, the South Dakota highway speed limit is 75. But 90 is way too fast, especially in a minivan. I almost learned the hard way that South Dakota is a dangerous state to drive in. I never heard more horror stories about people getting killed driving than I did this past trip. Based on those tales, South Dakota must have the country’s highest traffic fatalities per capita. And we were almost one of them.

Jimmy was cruising along I-90 at 90 when a farmer pulling a tractor, who was pulled over on the right side of the road, suddenly decided to make a U-ey. I have no idea how Jimmy managed to outmaneuver this trailer, but he did. For a split second we were on two wheels. Almost everyone was sleeping but Jimmy, Amber Airplane and I, and it was something I’ll never forget. Our hearts were pounding for a half hour after (I was also taking a few hits off my inhaler), and Jimmy said it took almost a day for his leg to stop shaking. To Jimmy's credit, he saved our lives.

So remember this warning: When you drive in South Dakota, use extreme caution. (Also, try not to drive with Jimmy.) Most of the trip I had a knot in my stomach because of his driving. I was mad at myself for not standing up like a man and saying how I felt. I thought it was difficult to do that, because I hadn’t rented the car and I'm not related to him. But I’ll never let that happen again. Jimmy's a good guy, and he understood when I finally said, “You have one job: to get us there alive.” Later I told him there was no way I would get back in that car unless I was behind the wheel. He said fine, and I drove. It was that easy.

Now let's have some fun.

First of all, you don't see much more than fields when you drive in South Dakota. It's pretty amazing to see nothing but farms (and more farms). When the sun sets or storms roll in, it's picturesque. I should mention that on those farms you see signs for Wall Drug every 10 feet (okay, maybe every mile). What's Wall Drug? I asked that question too. Wall Drug is probably the best-marketed pharmacy on the planet. Ted Hustead, the founder, was a genius. He made a little drugstore in the middle of nowhere internationally famous. He posted signs all over the state, country and world. That's right: the world. There are over 3,000 signs in total, all advertising Wall Drug. I guarantee, if you visit South Dakota you will be so sick of seeing those signs that you will cave in and see what all the ruckus is about. But you’ll have to wait: Our visit to Wall Drug takes place next week, because it's on the other side of the state. This week, sit back and fasten your seat belt … Jimmy's driving!

We headed to the middle of nowhere to visit Amber Airplane’s fraternal grandparents. They live in Winner, South Dakota a small town three hours from Sioux Falls in the south-central part of the state. How does a town get to be a Winner? In this case, it was because they "won" a right-of-way when the railroads were handing them out.

Our first tourist stop was halfway there: the Corn Palace in Mitchell. Supposedly, the world’s only corn palace As silly as it sounds, it's really a remarkable structure, standing in tribute to the agricultural heritage of South Dakota. Early settlers created it to display the fruits of their harvest on the building exteriors in order to prove the fertility of South Dakota soil. It was first built in 1892.

The whole town of Mitchell exists because of this corn palace, which attracts visitors from around the globe. Today the building is used by the entire region for stage shows, as well as sports events in the arena. During the day a market takes place, where you can buy every possible gift having to do with.... that's right, CORN! Corn Palace, 601 North Main, Mitchell, SD, tel.: 866-273-2676.

Amber Airplane told me her grandparents’ house was in the middle of nowhere. She wasn't lying! The good news is. I was expecting to be on a farm, with no one else in sight. Instead they live in a quaint little town in the middle of nowhere, and their farm is several miles away. Winner, South Dakota has a population of about 3,100. It's so small that everyone knows your business (so don't get in trouble).

Her grandmother and grandfather grew up in Winner. We had a surprise visit from someone else who grew up there, too: Amber Airplane’s father surprised everyone and flew in from San Diego for a few days. We had a great time hanging out, eating home- cooked food and checking out their farms. Her grandpa is a big farmer, with thousands of acres of farmland. They grow mostly wheat, soy, and corn. Did you know that just one stalk of corn grows only one edible piece of corn. Corn is harvested in the fall, but it is not hand-picked. This machine not only picks up the ears; it also shucks the kernels off! The cob and other waste goes out the back end. As you can see we had a great time learning about life on the farm, and playing with their toys. We rode through the cornfields on the 4x4 and tractor and checked out the cattle.

The machine in this picture is called a combine and cost about $350,000. This is what they use to harvest, and as it's massive. So here’s another tip: When you see a combine driving down the road, don't even thinking about passing unless you can see for miles – yes, miles. Farmers are known for speeding, and as Amber Airplane’s father says, head-on collisions are not pleasant. BTW: Her father is an ex-Navy commander who also taught me that South Dakota's well water is the second cleanest water in the world. The first? (I asked him that too.) According to Mike, it's water on the newer Navy ships. They treat the water right on board.

Another FYI: The mosquitoes weren't as bad as I thought they would be, but I did get stung a few times by a little bee I had never seen before. To avoid mosquitoes or bees, I highly recommend bug-repellent wipes.

The only time we ate out in Winner was when we went for dinner with Amber's uncles (her mom's brothers). They live near town so we had a good inexpensive meal with them, then checked out their thousands of farm acres the following day. They have more horses and cattle than anyone I know. However, they also have rattlesnakes in their yard, so you know I was doing the Deion Sanders high-step from the car to the house every time. The Outwest Bar and Grill, 865 West 2nd, Winner, SD, tel.: 605-842-2324.

Because we were on the Amber Airplane Family Summer Tour, we stopped by her aunt's house and played with her 20 (yes, 20) cats. Her aunt was kind enough to take us an hour and a half down to Nebraska (yee haw!) for a float ride down the Niobrara River. I had never floated down a river, but I heard it is the thing to do in the west. On a hot summer day, I have to say I agree! It's pretty damn cool. You rent tubes for $25 each, and float down the river. It takes about four hours when the water is flowing pretty good (like it was when we went). The key is to bring a cooler filled with drinks and all kinds of snacks, which is what her aunt did. If you go, make sure to stop at the halfway point (the Smith waterfall). It's Nebraska's tallest waterfall, and probably the coldest. It sure is refreshing though. Sharp's Tubes & Canoes, HC 13, Box 34A, Sparks, NE 69220, tel.: 402-376-2506

That's all for this week, folks. Next week we finish up our trip of South Dakota. So get your Harley all shined up, because we visit Sturgis, the Badlands, Deadwood, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Hot Springs, Custer, Rapid City and – yep -- Wall Drugstore. And don’t forget to set your watch back, because the western half of South Dakota is on Mountain Time.

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